


Citrus Sinensis

by lilacnightmares



Series: Flowers of Paradise [17]
Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Age Regression/De-Aging, Amnesia, Anxiety, Dissociation, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Little, Paranoia, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, The Little Appears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-12
Updated: 2021-01-12
Packaged: 2021-03-17 08:02:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28721820
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilacnightmares/pseuds/lilacnightmares
Summary: It was overwhelming and scary to wake up in a place that wasn't that tiny room that he knew. Saeyoung wasn't there, and he felt like nothing made sense. His body was too big and everything hurt. He just wanted to hide in the nearest corner and hope that things would just go back to normal, but fortunately, someone found him and helped him.Set Post-Petunia. A standalone fic that can read without reading any of the other stories in the series.
Series: Flowers of Paradise [17]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1271537
Comments: 4
Kudos: 17





	Citrus Sinensis

It wasn’t always perfect. Then again, life wasn’t always perfect. It was messy and no matter how hard you tried, there was always going to be bumps in the road. Although they were no longer bound in fear of their father or the agency coming after them, that didn’t mean life was without stress or worries. Life had many curveballs to deal with and they weren’t always pretty or fun.

Sometimes, the fact that you couldn’t always plan ahead was a nice thing. It was better to know that you weren’t going to be trapped in the same room over and over again. After living the same day over and over for years on end, Saeran had made a lot of progress to get to the point where he had gained another sense of control of himself.

Granted, it wasn’t always easy. 

Therapy had been helping, as had slowly immersing himself to try things that were out of his comfort zone. Though, it had opened up some very old and volatile wounds that even he wasn’t aware that he’d still been holding onto. At least, it was the reappearance of Ray that had caught him off-guard. Lying to everyone about… 

He didn’t want to bother anyone when he was opening up those memories that he needed to talk about but had been locked away for so long that when it was revealed to him again, even in pieces, it had pushed him to step back. Ray had taken care of things as best as he could given the circumstance, waking up years after he’d last been awake to a confusing future. 

Ray took on the role of making sure that they were functioning properly. Whether it was trying to exist around the rest of their family, or trying to make food and shower, or what have you. If it was just too much for him, Ray would come and take care of things without hesitation. Saeran didn’t mind that so much. Of course, it took some adjusting for him to accept that Ray was around again.

He never knew Ray closely, Grave did, so seeing him react to things and work so hard despite everything made him look at the so-called “marshmallow” differently. Though, Saeran had to say that Ray was overwhelmingly expressive with his emotions and whenever he would for the lack of a better term in his vocabulary, woke up in a different place then he started, he’d find his body drained of most emotion.

Lila would fill in the gaps for him if he asked, letting him know what she and Ray had been doing at that time if he wasn’t already aware of that fact. 

She was rather affectionate with Ray, but honestly, he couldn’t fault her for that. She’d always been the type to help anyone, no matter if they were mean to her or kind to her. It felt strange to wake up curled into her side underneath the sunshine and blue skies, or in the middle of the kitchen knee-deep into his baking once again. Ray would bake or cook to cool his nerves. 

Well, at least nobody in the house was complaining about that. 

Ray was trying to figure himself out now that everyone acknowledged him as his own person. That was new, for sure, even for Saeran. Back in Mint Eye, Rika had barely respected that they weren’t the same person unless it meant that they could be pushed around or told what to do. Here, there was nothing but sincere acceptance. 

For Ray, that meant exploring his passions that had been denied to him when he was younger. Apart from cooking and baking enough to feed a shelter if he wanted, he’d decided that he’d explore photography. A sore subject for most of the system, but it seemed to placate him and let him see that time was moving forward and that he was there to see it firsthand. 

In comparison, Grave, on the other hand, was another thing entirely. 

He’s always been a part of Saeran. In a way, they were two halves of a whole. During the period in which they were trapped in Mint Eye and after Ray was forcibly removed from the picture, Grave had increasingly lost himself to his anger and it became hard for him to function in the way that it had been for Ray. Rika didn’t like that, and the torture continued until a part of him just… split away, and that part was him. 

Saeran.

The man that he was now. 

He was more detached, more isolated, and numb to most of the trauma. He had been the one that could function when Grave couldn’t. Back then, there was a blur between the two of them that had been rather confusing, and since neither of them settled on having names, it was hard that they both had them now. 

Saeran knew who he was and what he felt like, and he knew that even in his sea of mistakes that he wasn’t entirely hopeless. He had changed thanks to the power of someone believing in him and nearly pulling him from the brink of madness. Grave hadn’t experienced that since as long as Saeran was the strong one, he hadn’t been needed. But, he was back now that Saeran couldn’t handle his anger. 

In many ways, Saeran had come to fear his anger as it had nearly cost him everything. Grave had been the one to take that anger and relish in it, being the only one left who could handle those memories without trembling or feeling sick to his stomach. Grave only reappeared recently as Saeran had started to think more and more about those finals days at Mint Eye. 

How he couldn’t stomach the feeling of blood on his hands. 

The fear of being angry again and the fear of losing control had made him so paranoid that Grave stepped forward to claim those feelings and lash out. It had nearly put Saeyoung in danger because of how angry Grave was about their childhood and everything that had ever happened to them. Grave held onto his anger like a blanket. 

It protected him. It protected all of them in his eyes. He lashed out because Saeran was scared, and because Grave was scared. Lila and Saeyoung had managed to calm him down after speaking with him for hours about what he felt and what made him lash out in the first place; however, that hadn’t and wouldn’t erase his anger at others. 

It did allow him to realize for a brief moment that it wouldn’t help them if he physically lashed out against everyone. Grave was still sardonic and blunt by all accounts, but as long as nobody provoked him, he wouldn’t do much beyond glowering at them and scolding them verbally. It was only when and if someone got into his space without asking first or did something that he found grating that it became a problem area. 

It wasn’t always walking on eggshells with him but he had a way of making you know that it was his way or the highway. 

Lila hadn’t had a particularly hard time with him. Saeran thought that likely had to do with the fact that they both had been out of sorts in Magenta. Anger was something to thrive on in that place and she understood where he was coming from. Grave understood how important she was to all of them, so he never dared to hurt her beyond unintended insults. 

It had only been hard when Saeran was at his lowest and really couldn’t talk, Grave would often take the chance to tell everyone off for everything that overwhelmed Saeran. She was often in the way so he had a way of making her steamed. How she kept her composure in their debates, Saeran wasn’t entirely sure. 

She’d gotten him to channel his frustration into something else. If he wanted to do something with his energy, then he could apply it to something healthier than trying to destroy something or rip anything within his line of sight to pieces. He’d surprisingly taken to studying music and reading more often than naught. 

Saeran knew because of the ache of his fingers whenever he stirred again in a burry daze. He was no stranger to callouses, though, but he’d made a mental note to tell Grave to stop pressing his fingers so hard against the strings of a violin. It wasn’t helping him play better but it was assuredly going to bite them later if he didn’t listen. 

All and all, the adjustment period of learning that he wasn’t just alone anymore had taken him some time to accept. Grave and Ray had overwhelmed him at first but he understood why they were around and why he was around. They were all working together towards the common goal of being able to exist without fearing someone telling them that they didn’t have the right to exist. They all had that right. Saeran was learning how to share his time with the two of them, and while it was taking some getting used to—

Saeran felt like he was in control of himself again. 

It wasn’t often that he felt that way. It wasn’t often that he got the chance to express his feelings or know that no matter what happened, he would be alright in the end. It was strange to feel that way but it was a welcomed change compared to what he had known for such a long time. 

Saeran just wanted to be able to get by and try to reclaim whatever he could of the years lost as well as look forward to the years ahead. He could say that maybe Ray and Grave felt the same but he couldn’t speak for them in this regard. 

He could simply assume that things were alright because neither of them had told him otherwise. Saeran would have seen it in the shared server they manage together to chat back and forth and share their thoughts or comments. Ray used it thoughtfully with insight, and Grave just bluntly asked if XYZ could be done to stop something. 

At least, it felt like it was supposed to be alright. 

It was until… he felt the uncomfortable feeling of butterflies and dread in his stomach that he knew that something was wrong. It was out of the blue and there seemed to be no rhyme or reason why he felt so uneasy, however, when the dull headache hit him, he knew that he had to try and lay down to make it ease away. 

If he slept, it would make some of the worst pain go away. That’s what he normally did and that’s what normally worked. It didn’t, though. Nothing helped that pain. It made him feel like he couldn’t do a thing like he didn’t have control. It was overwhelming and just as much as any other time when he could not handle it—

He found himself begging for someone to take the reins from him if just for a minute… if just for a single second. He didn’t want to feel this way. Saeran didn’t want to feel like he was trapped again, like a child who couldn’t do anything. He just wanted… he just wanted someone to tell him that it was okay and that he would be okay. 

Why couldn’t he believe that? 

Nobody was home, so he was left to shut his eyes, and pray that it stopped. 

—

“Have you seen Saeran?”

“I haven’t seen him since earlier this afternoon. He hasn’t answered any of my texts, I thought that he might be out with you. He wasn’t in the greenhouse when I checked but I could look again. He usually tells me if he’s going to step out like this.”

Saeran had been in better spirits but that relative peace and comfort still could get to him just as the buzz of silence could. He may have let go of much of the pain that held him down, it still affected him and the way that he interacted with the world at large. There was no way of denying it and even though his panic attacks and episodes of confusion were few and far between—

His not saying a word to Lila wasn’t a good thing. 

Saeyoung knew that unease in her eyes. He patted her shoulder in a small attempt to reassure her of anything worse for wear. It wasn’t like they had life or death threats. He had ensured that they were as far away as humanly possible as they could be from that. There were no thefts that could get into this bunker. Not on his watch. 

“I’ll go check outside,” he said, gently. “You check the rest of the house and if we still can’t find him, then we’ll let the others know and then we’ll send out the dogs after him, okay? He couldn’t be very far away.” 

She couldn’t crack a smile at his attempt at a joke but she appreciated that he was trying his best to reassure her. Saeyoung always was trying to help, even if he had no clue sometimes when it came to calming down his brother amid a fire but he’d always let her know that he appreciated everything she did. He felt useless sometimes so he tried to overcompensate. 

Sometimes, Saeyoung acted like she knew what she was doing all the time as if she’d trained for it, but she never did. She just took a deep breath and walked into the room knowing that she would handle anything that was happening as best as she could and if she made a mistake? Saeran would forgive her and they could make a system for it in the future if it were to happen again. 

That’s just how they’d settled into their relationship in the first place. It may have started between some messy circumstances but they’d made the best of that and kept walking forward. She made her own big mistakes and so did he. They were making the best of that. They were trying to be better people than the angry duo that lingered at Mint Eye. 

This is why whenever he didn’t answer her or tell her what was up, she knew that something wasn’t right. 

She decided that she’d do a sweep of the house to be sure that he wasn’t just holed up playing Animal Crossing again, she caught him playing late one evening and he hid it from her because—

Gosh darn it, that dork was working on breeding flowers to give her again. Which was sweet, but not at two in the morning when he was supposed to be in bed when she got home from hanging out with Jaehee again. He’d always laughed it off whenever she scolded him because it sounded so silly when she did it. 

Granted, she’d been a little pushy back in the day when she was… Wisteria, but he’d never taken those warnings of hers to heart. He joked that it was like being threatened by a cupcake. It was as simple as him saying, “So, this is what you look like when you’re really mad? Huh?”

She’d bap him on the shoulder with a huff on her lips whenever he teased her like that but it was sweet in his way. It was just another thing to add to her list of reasons why she loved him. Lila knew that she shouldn’t expect anything less than that level of attitude. His dry humor and that was that he just knew how to torment her when nobody was around...

It was only meant for Lila to see. 

He hardly showed that side of himself with others and she knew what it meant for him to give her his heart like that. 

The same way that she knew that it was special that both Ray and Grave had started to give her their trust. Ray handed it to her with a gentle hope that she wouldn’t crush his heart the way that everyone else had. He looked at her with uneasy eyes but a hopeful smile that maybe things would be different. 

Lila enjoyed the time she spent with Ray. He always loved to talk about anything, and oftentimes, he would manage to rope her into cooking with him so they could get to know each other. As it turned out, he knew a heck of a lot more about flowers than Saeran did, so they got heavy into talks of what flowers mean in their cultures and where the differences were. 

It went over everyone’s head when they spoke like that, but she would say proudly that she enjoyed talking to Ray like that. His passion was unbridled and innocent; nobody had ever let him talk at a length like that before, and she saw the way he opened up and his eyes sparkled whenever he got to keep talking. They would wind up curled somewhere in the bunker just talking for hours if anyone didn’t stop them. 

It was like being curled up at a fireplace in the dead of winter when she was with Ray. It felt like hot chocolate and cinnamon. He wasn’t Saeran, but she enjoyed being around him just as much. His smile made her smile. On the opposite end of the spectrum, when she was with Grave, things could get out of hand rather fast. 

He was intense and not just with his anger; his patience was always running thin and he expected you to read and anticipate his thoughts even if you couldn’t gauge what he wanted. She’d made a lot of mistakes around him lately because he didn’t know how to communicate his wants or needs without barking it. She knew how to stand her ground but she was learning how to react unlike she might have in Mint Eye. 

She took in a breath when he asked something, and she would tell him to ask again, but more sincerely if he wanted help. He would click his tongue and grumble but eventually, he would come around and ask whatever he wanted again. He liked to start heated conversations, it was just hard to not let yourself get consumed in them. 

Though, there was something that they could enjoy. Grave didn’t like to be alone but he hated to say that, so oftentimes, Lila would bring whatever she was working on into whatever room he was in at that moment so they could coexist in the same space. He’d taken to studying music so that was what he would practice, and she would be deep in designing something. They didn’t often talk but it was a good silence. 

Her relationship with those two was still in a phase where they were learning how to act around one another but it was… moving in a good way. Saeran thought so, anyway. He hadn’t told her that it was going in the wrong direction. They were all a part of him and he was a part of them, so she wanted to learn to love them all over time.

Neither of them was big on interacting with Saeyoung, or his partners, but that was getting better, too. 

Ray didn’t mind Minji, she was a baker and ever since she’d started working with Jaehee to build that cafe, Ray had been offering ideas and insight which had helped them become friends. Grave didn’t mind Judas all that much, and that probably had something to do with the fact that they both had bitter commentary on certain topics. 

It was a sign of progress and that things were starting to move forward into the future, and even though the past would never be forgotten, they could continue working hard to make the future and present all the better from those dark times. Even though she had moments where she felt like she was doubting herself, she just thought about how far they had come and it made her feel like this was the right thing. 

Now, where could he be? 

There were a lot of rooms in this bunker, and it could be a labyrinth if you didn’t know what you were doing. Seven had spared no expense and put a lot of work into this place. Though, it was hard if you wanted to find someone. Everyone had their own rooms in the bunker, it was healthier that way and gave everyone their own space if they needed a moment to just… breathe. 

Though, Saeyoung’s room was often where Minji and Judas would wind up, anyway. Those three were always glued together at the hip. It wasn’t always quite the same with herself and with Saeran, there was the fact that the two of them still suffered so greatly from the pain after Mint Eye. He had flashbacks and horrible night terrors. 

He wouldn’t let her sleep with him if he felt like it was going to be a bad night. 

Lila would go to her room that was just down the hallway. Technically, the room that they shared was Saeran’s room, but if it weren’t for a bad night, they would always be together in that space. Now, the room that she claimed as her own was more of a workspace for herself. It contained all of her things that Lucy had shipped from back in America. 

She had full access to her closet and all of her clothes again. She spent an awful amount of time working on that space because it gave her something to do when she felt like she was going stir-crazy in this bunker. It became a small oasis in a sea that felt like it didn’t always belong to her. She and Saeran hadn’t exactly chosen to leave that place. 

The choice had been made for them. 

But, coming to terms with that took a while, and there was still some resentment in their hearts that went unspoken. Either way, this space was hers and she knew that Saeyoung had given it to her because he felt bad about what she suffered trying to make Saeran happy and protect him, even if she got lost along the way to doing it. 

Checking every other room in the house didn’t give her a single answer about where he could be in this place. That left only her room. 

She didn’t think Saeran would be in there. Saeran never often came into space when she wasn’t in there, but it was just slightly ajar. She always shut it. She gently opened the door and peered into the darkroom with a frown on her face. It was obvious that someone had come into the room but she didn’t see anyone. 

Still, it was better than nothing. Lila peered into the room and said, “Saeran?” 

There was a gentle thud to her right against the rug, so she switched on the light with a soft flick of her wrist and paused, turning to look at the figure that was huddled tightly in the corner. He was looking at her but this was this unreadable confusion and fear in his eyes. It didn’t seem like a look that she’d seen on his face before. 

“I wasn’t sure where you went and…” Lila stopped herself mid-sentence. She was surprised to see him in the nook that she’d set up for herself on the floor. To be fair, it was a cozy area because she’d tucked away all her spare blankets and plush that she’d brought over from her childhood room to decorate the space. 

That’s where she would sit when she needed to detox. 

It made her feel like she was safe and sound. There was a lot of comforts when you had the right kind of texture and comfort around you. For Lila, that had always been letting herself be around anything she deemed as cute and cuddly. There was no denying that being able to hug something when you felt like the world was collapsing in on itself helped. 

Though, Saeran had never really done that before. If he needed something to ground him, he would often just pull her into his embrace or reach for another blanket to throw over himself for the weight. He never batted an eye at how she comforted herself and vice versa. 

This was different. 

It reminded her a lot of the way that Ray had looked at her for the first time, as she looked back on when she likely met him for the first time. He had been dazed and seemed out of sorts. 

It also occurred when there was a particularly long stretch of dissociation. Saeran wouldn’t know who she was for a long moment nor where he was or what had been going on while he was gone. 

So, something wasn’t right. Nor was the fact that he’d been crying. That was also a fairly bad sign, and she was worried about him. Was he still broken up over what Grave told her? He hadn’t been ready to talk about that so she hadn’t pressed him for answers yet. It felt like she knew what it was but that was still rather sore for the both of them. 

She could worry about that later, for sure. Something must have happened but she didn’t know what could have happened. He rubbed at his eyes but he never stopped looking at her as if he were waiting for her to lash out. She’d seen the way that he flinched. She saw the way that he sank deeper into the corner the longest that she stared at him.

It was subtle, but Lila saw it. She had done the same thing when she was a child and her mother yelled at her for the hundredth time for not coming home right away after she finished school. It was just something that you learned to do overtime when you thought that you were going to get hurt by an adult. 

Saeran had never shown that fear to her, no, he’d always feared that he would strike her instead of the other way around. Ray always seemed to think that he was going to get hit as well, but it was no time to make assumptions. 

It had been a while since something like this happened, so she wasn’t sure if he had something triggered a flashback or worse. It could be hard to come out of those when you were overwhelmed. She wasn’t at all going to move from her spot at the door knowing that he was in a state of fear. He needed to know that he was safe. 

Lila stayed where she was in the doorway but sank to her knees to show that she wasn’t going to move or do something rash. She’d never touch him or make a move without him letting her know that it was okay. Consent was everything, especially when you were dealing with something like that. Her hands were kept in front of herself, unmoving. 

Calm, she reminded herself. 

“Are you okay?” she tried, softly. 

No response.

So, she tried again, “Did something happen?” 

His voice was a bit too quiet to pick apart. Those weak sniffles were still evident in his throat this time that she’d sworn she heard when she flinched. There was no recognition in his eyes, though. There was just that fear that controlled his expression and that broke her heart. Lila wouldn’t let it show, not for his sake, no, it wasn’t the time to focus on herself. 

He wasn’t okay and she needed to work to figure out the source of this problem. If things were to be made better, something would have to be discerned. She couldn’t leave him but at the same time, she needed to let Saeyoung know that she had found him. 

She cursed herself for leaving her phone on the table as she went to look for him. She hadn’t thought that she would have to, and this is what she got for letting herself not carry that thing like another limb like she had done when they were together. 

Lila looked at him once more, deciding to test the waters once more to see if she could discern more. It left her at a loss for words and she needed someone to help her to deescalate the situation. Yeah, it needed to be done. 

“Wait here,” she said, making sure that her voice didn’t raise too high. The last thing she wanted was to do was set him off the way that memories of his mother hit him hard. She needed Saeyoung, now. Lila wasn’t getting anywhere with him like this and she knew that if she at least had Saeyoung at her side, they could work together to figure out the problem together. “I need to go and find Saeyoung for you, okay? I’ll be right back with him so don’t go anywhere.” 

She went to leave and just as she went to step from the doorway, his quiet voice spoke loud enough that she heard him. “...You know Hyung?” 

Lila stopped, and she looked back. He didn’t know who she was but he knew who Saeyoung was. It was a start. This wasn’t Ray, nor Grave, nor Saeran. 

There was something about his tone that seemed different. It was much softer, more withdrawn. She looked at him, the wide-eyed expression on his face and the way that his fingers had clutched tightly to the plush in his arms. She couldn't blame him for that, she also did that when she felt like she needed something to ground her body. 

“Yes,” she responded. “Saeyoung is my good friend. He’s in the other room right now. Were you looking for him, by any chance?” 

He nodded his head, a bit too quickly. 

“Yeah… I got… really scared,” he looked down at the floor again. It didn’t seem like he could meet her eyes at all. “I couldn’t find Hyung. Where is he? Is he okay? I need him. He said he— He said he would come and find me but—” 

Lila gently shushed him as the whimpers grew, but winced when he flinched. The wrong approach, she had to be more careful. “Do you want me to go get him for you? I promise I’ll only be gone a minute. He’s just outside.”

His eyes widened and he furiously shook his head over and over. The huge fear returned to his eyes as he looked around the room that didn’t remind him of anything that he knew. “No, no, no, no. Please, please don’t leave me alone, Noona.  _ Please _ . What if mom finds out that— that we’re not home? It’s so late— she’s gonna be so mad, Noona, where’s Saeyoung? I need him.”

_ Mom?  _

Wait…

Could it be that he was...? 

“Okay, I won’t leave you. I promise. Saeyoung will find us in a few minutes, we were just looking for you, so he will come and see us once he figures out where we are,” she reassured him with a small nod of her head. "So, he'll come and find us before you know it. We can wait for him right here." 

Lila took a seat back on the ground this time in front of him making sure that he had just enough space to be comfortable. Relief flooded his features but he grew silent not long after that. He couldn't seem to focus and it felt as though the curl of his fingers against the plush continued to repeat. It seemed like he was on the cusp of rocking himself. 

Whoever he was, he was scared and the only person that he wanted was his brother. 

He kept his eyes trained on the ground as his fingers tugged at the fabric of the pillow that he pulled at now and again. His eyes would flicker to his wrists and ankles now and again like he was searching for something binding him that couldn’t be found or seen. 

“Hey,” she changed her tone trying to be more gentle with him, smiling at him with a friendly look in her eyes. She had a theory but she wasn’t sure how true it could be. “Can I ask you something, if that’s okay with you? While we wait for Saeyoung to find us?”

He bit at his lower lip but nodded, seeming okay with her question. 

“How old are you?” 

He paused for a moment as if he were trying to think of his age. The nervous pull of his hands let her know that he was uneasy. That seemed to be his tic. He lifted his head just enough that she could catch a glimpse of his mint eyes again. 

“Um… I don’t… I don’t… I don’t know, I’m not sure, Noona,” he said, quietly. “Hyung was the one that counted and remembered. I think… maybe… ten years old? Or... maybe eleven...? I don't... I don't know.” 

Okay, so it wasn’t Saeran, it wasn't Ray, it wasn't Grave, and she knew that as far as they all knew there wasn't anyone else within their system. 

So, this was something new. Someone that held memories of their childhood and was trapped in those years. It was a member of his system that she hadn’t met, or known about. As far as she knew, Saeran didn’t know about anyone else, either. 

A child, a very nervous child at that, was sitting in front of her dazed and helpless. She wasn't going to make him feel anxious as much as she could prevent it. This child seemed to be confused and in need of comfort. She could give that as he needed but he needed Saeyoung a lot more than her. 

His twin would help a lot more in this situation. 

“That's okay. You don't have to know. We can talk more when Saeyoung gets here... And, is your name Saeran?” 

He shook his head. 

A solid no. So, he didn’t go by Saeran. She opened her mouth to ask him if he would like to share it with her but she heard the sounds of footsteps from the other end of the hall. She nodded at him when he mouthed his brother’s name, and he looked so much more at ease as the redhead entered the room as his eyes lit up. 

“Hyung!” he breathed in relief. The fear had left his frame but it seemed like he was still confused. He looked at his brother for a long moment and then back down at his lap. It must have been daunting to see his brother looking like a grown-up if he only knew his brother as a child. Even so, he knew who his brother was without hesitation. 

Lila caught him by the arm and gave him a look, “Saeyoung, we’ve been waiting for you. Why don’t you take a seat?”

Saeyoung seemed puzzled by her statement but he knew that she would let him know what was going on if he didn’t figure it out on his own. He plopped down next to her against the carpet and much to his surprise, it took only a second for the child to sling his arms around him. That caught him off-guard since Saeran was never affectionate with him. 

“I thought you were gone forever,” he whimpered. “You said that you’d come back but I couldn’t find you.” 

The redhead stiffened, the very clear memories of those years washing over him like the back of his hand. He knew what that voice sounded like. He sucked in a breath and gladly returned the hug as it became apparent that his brother wasn’t going to let go of him any time soon. “I’m right here. Hyung isn’t going anywhere,” he told him, gently. “You must have gotten a little lost looking for me, huh?”

The child nodded. Though, his voice cracked without warning, “It was raining… I tried looking for you while Mom was… asleep. I couldn’t find you— I couldn’t find you and it started to storm and—”

“It’s okay. It’s okay. I promise. I’m here with you. You found me, and you’re going to be alright, you know I would never go without you,” Saeyoung loosened the tension in his back as he smoothed down his hair. “What got you so upset? Did you miss me that much?” 

He whispered something that Lila couldn’t hear but Saeyoung did. The redhead breathed in deeply at whatever comment that he heard. “You don’t need to worry about Mom right now, okay? She’s asleep and we’re staying in a special place where she can never find us. That’s why everything seems so weird and different. She’s not good at hide and seek, remember?” 

The child slowly nodded his head. He hung on Saeyoung’s every word like it was a lifeline. It seemed like he would believe his brother if he told him that pigs could fly. Granted, Saeyoung knew how to tell a compelling story, it didn’t take long for him to reason with him that they were safe. He took his time to gently explain a few things to help him better understand what was happening. 

Without saying it, both Saeyoung and Lila underwood that this child held onto some of the most powerful memories that remained detached from Saeran’s memory for the most part. He never talked about those days when he couldn’t find his brother, and he often said he could only remember what it felt like, not what happened. 

Saeyoung managed to reason away some of the child’s discomfort about his body, as well, reassuring him that everything was alright and he’d simply gotten a little bigger since the last time they saw each other. He wasn’t sure if he could tell the child about everything yet, it was obvious that he needed to be comforted, not overwhelmed. 

So, deescalating was better than being completely honest in his eyes. 

Though it was hard for her to know that this one had no memories of her, only of Saeyoung. It made a lot of sense since he was a child and they had nobody but each other in those days. Lila was just glad that he knew Saeyoung and trusted him because he needed someone and even if that someone couldn’t be her, she wanted it to be someone he knew. 

Someone that he could believe in. 

She just stayed out of the way as Saeyoung handled everything he could, and silently thanked him for being the saint that he was. Whether he wanted to admit it to himself or not, being there for any of them, no matter if it was Saeran himself or not, meant a lot. He felt like he’d never been able to do that because V and Rika hadn’t… 

He never got to be there for a very long time. Saeyoung was trying his best to be there for him now and that’s what mattered. Saeran never told Saeyoung outright that he appreciated that because he just could not do that, what with his feelings so muddled from opening up old wounds with all of the feelings that Ray and Grave felt—

And now, this child.

It was a good thing that they felt comfortable enough to come out and talk to everyone, but it was a lot because all of their feelings would need to be addressed and worked on. Their desires weren’t always the same even though they worked together as a system. Lila was mentally taking notes of what she would need to talk about with all of them, later. 

If this continued to happen, they needed a system to ensure that anyone who was confused or didn’t know about the others would be able to get help or learn what was going on if need be. Ray had held his tongue for a while but it was obvious he had been scared and lost whenever he came around to a world that existed without him for so long. 

It was the same for Grave, but he had more memories to pull from that helped him understand what was going on. These thoughts kept her wrapped up in her head for a while as Saeyoung did his best to reassure the child. She blinked from her thoughts when she felt eyes looking at her again. 

It seemed as though now that he was calming down, he was curious. 

Those mint eyes kept looking at her as if he could figure her out, or like he was trying to figure out who she was. Perhaps he was building a backstory in his head that would explain everything? Saeyoung had joked once that when they were children, Saeran had always closed his eyes and been able to make up all kinds of stories with interesting characters. 

It was only recently that he realized that some of those “characters” might’ve been Ray or Grave. 

This was like meeting someone for the first time all over again. She managed to keep some of her worries from her face as she smiled. It was all too clear in her memory what it felt like to be scared as a child and she didn’t want him to feel like he couldn’t trust her. The last thing she’d ever want to do would upset him. 

But, this child didn’t know that. 

They hadn’t been able to trust anyone as children because of what they feared would happen if their father knew. Lila still wasn’t sure who that man was, but he was the reason that the two of them had lived in horrible conditions as their mother exhorted their father for money and whatever she wanted at the time. 

What a horrible woman. 

What a horrible man. 

Still, Lila didn’t want to sully her thoughts when there was someone that would’ve preferred to think about everything and anything else in this world. 

Saeyoung caught onto his looks quickly. There was a chuckle against his lips as he smoothed out the messy red curls of his brother’s head. “Curious about our friend, huh? Don’t worry. She’s a nice Noona. She was really worried when we couldn’t find you so if you get scared again and you can’t find me, you can trust her, okay?”

Lila made no point of moving too close to him yet because he still seemed far too safe where he was, but she did nod her head. “It’s nice to meet you,” she told him, softly. “My name is Lila. I’m sorry if I upset you earlier. I wouldn’t feel too comfortable if a stranger talked to me, either.” 

The child pursed his lip. It wasn’t a rejection of her introduction. He glanced between herself and Saeyoung, then his mint eyes rested on his brother again. He whispered something that she couldn’t hear but that one made Saeyoung laugh a bit harder than he probably intended. 

She felt a little out of the loop, feeling her cheeks begin to burn pink in embarrassment. “What? Hey, what’s so funny?” 

Saeyoung was nice enough to fill her in on what she was missing, “Oh, he’s just curious how we made friends with a  _ ‘princess’ _ . Don’t worry about it.” 

_ Oh. He thought…  _ Lila glanced down at what she was wearing and realized that she understood why he probably thought that. She was toned down today in comparison to when she wanted to dress up and show off; But, the frilly top couldn’t be utterly hidden underneath her sweater, and nor could the puffiness of her skirt.

Still, she felt flattered. 

That was often a comment she received from children whenever she was wearing something with a lot of tulle or detail. Kids didn’t know a lot about fashion or anything, at least, not the ones that she had interacted with so it was often that she simply smiled and played along with whatever the kid thought. Her niece was the same way. 

“That’s a compliment, right?” she shook the pink from her face as best she could. “Haha. No. I just like to dress up is all. It makes me feel pretty. This is actually where I keep them, so all of the dresses you’ve seen in here are mine, and I made most of them on my own. No magical fairy godmothers or mice involved.”

He looked a little starry-eyed. Lila had a hard time imagining what they had and didn’t have when they were young, so she didn’t want to comment on something that may have confused him. Though, now his face turned a little red. Probably because he didn’t know how to interact with people that weren’t his brother. 

He was just a kid, after all. 

It seemed like he was enchanted by everything that she’d done to decorate the space. It was what she wanted as a kid. From all the accessories that she could ever want to try on, to all the plush that she had eyed that her parents wouldn’t let her have, to that secret stash of candy that she had been hiding from the others because she wasn’t going to share her gummy worms. 

...Unless Saeran asked. 

Lila decided to test the waters just a little bit more, scooting forward to press her hand against the soft My Melody plush that had fallen to the wayside when he turned to his brother for comfort. She lifted it into her arms and offered it to him with a smile. “Here,” she said. “Why don’t you hold onto this for me? What do you say?” 

He seemed surprised by that, and he cocked his head. “But… it’s yours right, right?” 

“Mhm, that’s right,” she agreed. “But, I think she’s taken a liking to you much more than she ever did with me. I mean, you came in here because it made you feel safe right? Hml, would you like to know a secret why it feels so safe in here?”

He nodded. 

“It’s because of my friends,” Lila gestured to the plush that she had adorned the place. She had gotten quite a few of them recently. “You see, when I was lonely or scared back when I was your age, I would always come to a spot just like this one because of a secret that my grandmother shared with me. She said that the more stuffed friends you had with you, the less likely it is for someone to come and scare you. Because they’re always looking out for us, so I got a lot of them to be my friends. They still help me when I’m upset.” 

His lower lip tucked underneath his front row of teeth. It went without saying that he was likely still worried about their mother finding them. He seemed to be thinking about it, and if it made sense to him. Saeyoung reassured him with a pat on the shoulder, “Lila’s right. This is the safest spot in the house.”

Lila brushed aside a loose strand of her hand from her face as she offered him a smile and a wave. “Of course, and if you’re scared you can always come in here if you feel upset. That’s what I would do if I was scared. My friends are more than happy to be your friends, too. But, you have to show them that you want to be friends.” 

The child did take it from her hands this time after a moment of hesitation. He clutched it tightly to his chest and let out a breath that he had been holding in, he mumbled something underneath his breath about making a promise and it seemed like he felt much better than he did a few moments before this. 

Those distressed tears that he had in his eyes were long but gone. He offered her a polite smile when he looked up, it was a bit shy compared to the ones that Saeran shared but it was an attempt on his part to show that he appreciated that gesture from her. If she had been a scared kid, she would have gone to a space that felt like it was made for her, too. 

He was lucky that Saeyoung and herself had been there to help him. 

That quiet voice was still feather light and hard to hear but the quiet room made sure that it was audible. “Thank you, Noona.” 

Lila smiled. “You’re welcome.” 

Saeyoung nodded. It seemed that he wasn’t as upset as he was, so now they could focus on calming him down and ensuring that he felt safe until Saeran had the time to return from whatever triggered him to step away from the front in the first place. “Since we’re not home, what do you say about ice cream for dinner?” 

Those wide eyes lit up again.

“Really?!” he nearly squeaked but covered his mouth as if to stop himself from being too loud since he didn’t want to get caught. He uncovered his mouth only to repeat himself in a more quiet voice as he stared at his brother. “Really? Can we, Saeyoung? Can we?” 

“Of course,” he said, looking back over at Lila as some of the weight left Saeyoung’s chest. The two of them were going to have to talk about this alone. But, only once they knew the child was safe and in a good spot to relax. “Though, you don’t mind if Lila comes with us, too, do you?” 

“She’s not gonna eat my half, is she?” a pout came across his face, and the two of them laughed a little at his indignance. “What? What’s so funny? That was a serious question! We never get to have ice cream so I wanna know if I’m gettin’ the good stuff or not…” 

“Absolutely not, you’ll get the biggest half. I’d say that you’ve earned any flavor you want tonight. Isn’t that right, Saeyoung? Your cute little brother gets the best?” 

“Only the best for him,” Saeyoung agreed. 

It didn’t take long for him to sit at the table and off of the floor, content and getting as much ice cream as he wanted without anyone stopping him. Well, he hadn’t gotten too much, but as far as they knew, he hadn’t eaten anything since the early afternoon. Sometimes, dinner could be ice cream if it was a very bad day and this constituted that. 

Neither Lila nor Saeyoung had been able to talk at length about what they needed to, but making sure that he was happy was much more important. The two of them kept having a silent conversation that went without words. She knew that he was on the edge of having a breakdown himself, seeing how lost his brother felt as a child.

How he was keeping himself together, she didn’t know. 

She respected him all the same for it.

He looked back at his brother with a small nod of his head, thinking about what he should ask him. Perhaps, it was the same thought that she was thinking. He had told her that he wasn’t Saeran, that wasn’t his name, but she’d never gotten to ask him if he had another name. 

Lila took the chance to ask him since they were in a much more comfortable place. It seemed like a good time as any to better grasp who he was and what would help him feel more welcomed in their environment. What better way than to know what his name was? It had helped Ray and Grave a lot when they needed confirmation of their identities. 

She leaned against the opposing side of the table and gently asked. “Hey, I know things got exciting today, but could I ask you one more question? If that’s okay?” 

“Mmm?” His eyes brightened up considerably and he nodded his head. That was much better than the first time. The ice cream was seemingly the go-to bargaining chip. Why hadn’t she even thought of that the first time? 

“You said that your name wasn’t Saeran when I asked you what your name was. So, would it be okay if I asked what your name was again? I’d like to know cause we’re friends now and I wouldn’t want to call you the wrong name.” 

The child paused for a moment as if he was trying to settle on something before he lifted his head up and down once again a few times. That smile that came to his face was sincere and it matched his eyes this time around. “It’s… Su-Jin. Yeah, m’name’s Su-Jin.”

“Well, Su-Jin, it’s nice to meet you. Though, you should try taking slower bites. You might get a brain freeze if you go that fast.” 

“But, Noona…” 

“She’s right. You don’t want a headache… Su-Jin.” 

He huffed, “Fine. Only cause Hyung said so.”


End file.
